Eyelid Movies

Yes. My life has completely changed in the last few weeks.

And I mean, completely.

It's not so visible from the outside, but inside, I am a stew of fear and stress and survival.

It's damn scary, facing what you want to be.

It's more than that. It's the essence of who I am.

And I am constantly undermining myself. I am very well practiced in the art of avoidance.

By avoiding my own personal truth, I know that I will never be whole, but I also know that I will never have to face the risk of failure. And I'll never have to try, properly.

All my energy will just be siphoned into avoiding what I truly want, know, need, am.

I'm a writer. Is that stupid?

I think so. I think it is impractical, and no way to make a living.

I know writers. They work in thrift stores (just like I used to),

They have bachelors degrees, and masters degrees.

They are creative and intelligent powerhouses.

They are beautiful, and hidden behind racks of clothing, crates of chipped vases and candle holders.

They are harshly accepting of reality.

They are more than I, so how dare I presume that I am in any way good enough to write?

I've always known. Always struggled.

When I was nine, I wanted to be a poet.

I wrote my first novel at fourteen. Yes, it was dreadful.

I sent some short stories to a publisher when I was sixteen.

I have written, I have refused to write, I have sat before a keyboard, or with a pen in my hand, and have not known what to write.

But in my core, I know.

This is my purpose. I can't describe it much better than that.

I don't expect you to understand. I expect you to laugh at my naivete.

What's the harm in trying? What's the harm in failing?

What's the harm in succeeding?

Is that worse?

What if it makes me happy? Or at least fulfilled...

I have come to some big conclusions in the last month.

I have allowed myself to change, and have freaked out completely in the process.

I got my GED. I quit my job. I bleached my hair, and plucked the majority of my eyebrows out because let's face it, dark brows with blonde hair is just weird.

I had a plan to go to college, then changed my mind last minute, realising that I don't want to live in debt for the rest of my life.

I have parents who owe hundreds of thousands of dollars, I don't want to have to shoulder a burden like that.

Besides, like any self-respecting child, I will do ANYTHING not to be like my parents.

And I know I'll probably fail.

I want babies.

So scary.

I'm a survivor of sexual abuse and domestic violence.

I always swore I wouldn't let another life out of myself if I were to repeat the same patterns that have continued in my bloodline for generations.

My daughter, she's called Luna.

I want to feel her move in my uterus, kick. I want to feel the all consuming and life-as-you-know-it-ending pain of childbirth.

There is a deep well in the center of me that is so very grateful to feel these feelings.

I am so afraid.

But I can't deny my truth.

If I don't try to write, to get published, to take writing classes, to allow others to read what I have written, to feel rejected or elated and triumphant -

if I don't do these things, then I will always be pulled back into wondering.

I would rather live a life of challenges and obstacles than one of regret.

Regret can go hang.

I wrote this blogpost to Phantogram's Eyelid Movies.

Ben got it off Amazon about a fortnight ago.

I just wanted to plug myself into some music and write and write and write,

till there was no fear left.

I digress.

I chose well. Eyelid Movies is excellent.

I have written how it makes me feel.

Phantogram is Josh Carter and Sarah Barthel.

They are from Saratoga, NY.

They are awesome!